Funny Lists

People Are Sharing NSFW History Facts That Weren’t Included In Most Textbooks

People love to share unwholesome facts about History. The truth is stranger (and sexier) than fiction. Then again, maybe people with their minds in the gutter only retain what they read when it’s dirty. I can’t say for sure. What I do know, however, is that the following pieces of history will forever be stuck in my mind. They’re too good to forget.

*Borat voice* “Wow wow wee wow, it very nice.”

Redditor u/ReflectGaming asked: “What’s an NSFW fact about history that we don’t get to hear too often?” People responded, and the rest is History:

1.

“All the documentaries you see about hieroglyphs in ancient Egypt neatly avoid showing you the ‘fertility rites’ where the Pharaoh’s fallus is inseminating the land.” –AbulurdBoniface

2.

“You know that one psychologist guy, Freud? Well one time he was tasked with finding the testicles of an eel, so he got literally hundreds of eels so he could find their balls. Nowadays we know eels have retractable testicles, but Freud didn’t know that, so he cut up hundreds of eels looking for their testicles.” –God_Is_Carnage

3.

“Romans loved depicting sexual acts. On many everyday items, like oil lamps, combs, bowls, etc. you often see images of people fucking. Like porn but in daily life.” –MalleBeer

4.

“From the 13th to the 15th of February the Romans celebrated Lupercalia (Roman precursor of Valentine’s day), which was a festival of love and fertility. Priests would sacrifice a goat and then cut the goat skin into pieces. Part of this they would wear on their heads, and other parts were cut into thongs. The men would then run around the city of Rome naked, hitting as many women with these thongs as they possibly could (being hit would help with pregnancy or becoming pregnant). So depending on what they wanted, the women would either deliberately stand in the way of the men, or try to run away while pretty much everyone was naked.” –doorbelldoor

5.

“So when Pompeii was first uncovered and the archeologists were making their maps, (Pompeii is our best guess for what an ancient roman city looks like, as it and many of its inhabitants were captured in time) they decided that any buildings with dicks infront of them had to be brothels. Then they realized that if that was true, 90% of the buildings in Pompeii were brothels. The revised map found only a single brothel, differinated from the phallically decorated dwellings, by the presence of mosaics that served as a ‘menu'” –AbsolXGuardian

6.

“King tuts first wife was his half sister. But she also may have been his full sister and even at one point may have been his step mother.” –richard-777

7.

“Incest was actually encouraged in Ancient Egypt as in many aristocracies to keep the bloodline pure. Moreover, if there were twins where one was a boy and one was a girl, they were married at birth because it was assumed that they must have banged in the womb.” –Rishinc

8.

“When Jadwiga, the King of Poland was considering a marriage proposal from the Grand Duke of Lithuania, a chief concern among her court was that said Duke was rumored to have massive genitals to the point that they would kill his wife on their wedding night. Two of her councilors volunteered to travel to Lithuania to try and discover the truth of these rumors, which naturally meant they would watch the Duke as he bathed. They returned and happily reported that not only weren’t the Duke’s genitals fatally large, they were in fact a tad smaller than average, so nothing to worry about. Thus Poland and Lithuania were united, and the rest is history.” –RepealMCAandDTA

9.

“A lot of people banged in the White House on the day of Andrew Jacksons inauguration.” –sinfoid

10.

“In 1511, a bunch of people in Brussels took part in the building of 110 vulgar snowmen as an act of protest.” –mli03

11.

“Pope Alexander VI might have held orgies where he kept track of men’s orgasms while he held the position of Pope and also definitely had an infidelity fetish especially with women whose wedding he’d officiated. He had four kids with one married noblewoman, and at least another 3-5 outside of that.” –Kikospeaking

12.

“Pope John VII was bludgeoned to death by the husband of his mistress when he caught them in flagrante delicto. John XIII met his end (so to speak) when a cuckholded husband rammed a poker up his bottom. Pope Leo VII suffered a fatal heart attack during sex with a page boy.” –Urist_Macnme

13.

“How about the time that NASA funded a study about dolphin communication that ended with one researcher giving a dolphin that was high on LSD a handjob?” –mazimaxi

14.

“When Catherine Howard, the fifth wife of Henry VIII was taken from Syon Abbey to the Tower of London to prepare for her execution, she sailed in a barge down the River Thames. She passed under London Bridge, where the severed heads of her alleged lovers Thomas Culpeper and Francis Dereham were waiting for her, displayed on spikes, rotting and picked at by birds.” –AMarmaladeSandwich

15.

“Machiavelli wrote a letter to his friend about how he fucked a prostitute, then threw up all over her when the lights came on, because she was so ugly.” –dubov

Well. I certainly learned something. History is wonderful when you cut out the boring parts and make it NSFW.

More funny links to click or not click, depending on your mood: